I don’t write about my children often – but as a stay-at-home parent a large portion of my daily conversations are with my two older boys – nearly 6 & 4. We talk about everything. Sometimes we talk about life, and death.

These conversations are sparked by prayers before bed, overhearing a conversation between adults, and sometimes the boys wonder why I am sad as I look at a photo of a close friend that passed away.

My spouse and I are very open about life and death, and our beliefs (which includes the occasional, “We don’t really know for sure”, much to my four-year-old’s dismay). The motivation behind our openness, is that we want to help our children as much as possible to understand that death is actually a part of life. It happens to each and every one of us.

Beliefs vary, but this fact is undeniable.

One of my favorite parts of Deepak Chopra‘s book, Life After Death, is when he describes growing up in India, and the fact that death was not thought of or treated as the end, as it is here in the Western world. It was thought of as a new beginning. (I wrote about this book here).

This passage definitely inspired me to approach conversations about death differently than I had been. To be even more open to the curious minds of my children. To face the questions head on.

Because children look to us – their caregivers – for reassurance and security. If they can see the fear in my eyes when I change the topic of conversation or stumble on my words, what could I possibly teach them about the afterlife that they would believe?

Below I wanted to share some guidelines that I use when discussing this heavy subject with my kids:

1.) What can they developmentally comprehend at their age? Here is a list to give you an idea – and by no means do I believe every child fits in to these categories by age. (This takes us directly to #2).

2.) The uniqueness of your child. My children are quite opposite in many ways. While both are equally sensitive, one of them has more fears, and the other is more lighthearted.  I listen to their questions and reactions carefully to gauge where the conversation is headed and perhaps when the conversation should end.

3.) What are the circumstances of the conversation? There are two factors here for me;  Time of day, and life circumstances.

My youngest is a little bit more sensitive before bed than during the day. I would have two very different conversations with him depending on this factor. If we discuss life and death before bed for too long or with many questions – I can see his brain working in overdrive instead of focusing on relaxing.

When I say life circumstances I am referring to a birth or death (or illness) that has occurred. Obviously a child may be more confused or sensitive during these times.

Regardless of ones beliefs, I am confident that incorporating these conversations into our everyday lives will help to minimize fear and anxiety as our children grow.  Our hope is that they will mature with a solid understanding that there is more to death than it being “the end” of a life.

Note: If you are struggling with your own fear of death, here is a link to my article, Facing the Fear of Death and Really Living in the Now written for Tiny Buddha.

What are your thoughts about discussing death with children? Do you avoid it or keep the conversation going?